Why Family-Focused Days Are Difficult for Children in Care

For a child who has been separated from their family of origin, a holiday built around celebrating parents can be one of the hardest days of the year.

When a child is missing a parent who is absent, incarcerated, or going through a period of struggle, grief doesn't wait for a convenient moment to show up. It could show up in the card aisle, or at the school craft table, or even when a classmate talks about their plans for the weekend. These holidays have a way of making loss feel a little louder than usual.

For a foster child, celebrating you can feel like a betrayal of their family of origin. Feelings of grief, and loyalty can be heavy for a child who may not yet have the words to explain what they're carrying. When emotions don't have language, they find another way out, and that can be through behavior.

What You Might See (And What It Actually Means)

If your child seems withdrawn, unusually quiet, depressed, clingy, or starts acting out around a family-focused holiday, take a breath before you react. This is not defiance. This is likely how they are showing grief.

Every child processes difficult emotions differently. Some children may retreat inwards, while some may push others away, and some may even become extra attached to you. None of it means you're doing something wrong, it just means the child is carrying something big, and they don't know what to do with it yet.

Recognizing these responses for what they are is one of the most powerful things you can do as a caregiver. You don't have to fix it. You just have to stay present.

How to Support Your Child

Start the conversation before the day arrives.

Don't wait until Mother's Day morning or Father's Day afternoon to check in. A few days before, find a quiet moment and simply ask: "How are you feeling about this weekend?" Then listen carefully to the child.

Some children will want to acknowledge their family of origin. Some will want to celebrate you. Some will want the day to pass as quietly as possible. All of those responses are valid, and letting the child lead is the most important thing you can do.

A few practical ways to support them:

• Coordinate with the family of origin if it's appropriate and safe to do so. This is a conversation worth having with your caseworker ahead of time to make sure it's the right path for your child.
• Expand the definition of who gets celebrated. Mother's Day, Father's Day, and Grandparents Day don't have to be narrow. Grandparents, aunts, uncles, kinship caregivers, mentors, and anyone who shows up for a child deserves to be honored.
• Create a low-stakes tradition. A simple dinner out, a favorite movie, a walk together. Something that feels special without adding pressure.
• Keep it low-key. Big productions can feel overwhelming for a child already navigating big emotions. Give them room to breathe.
• Always give them an out. No child should feel forced to perform happiness on a day that might be bringing up grief. Let them know it's okay to step away if they need to.

You're Allowed to Feel Uncertain!

Kinship caregivers, you may have your own relationship with the child's guardian, or family of origin. You may be grieving too, in your own way, while trying to hold space for a child who is also grieving. That is an enormous amount to carry, and it deserves to be named.

Here's what we want you to hear: you don't have to have it all figured out. What matters is not that you do it perfectly, it's that you show up, stay present, and let the child know their feelings are safe with you.

You will learn as you go. Next year, you'll know a little more. The year after that, a little more still. Give yourself the same grace you're giving this child, and give yourself room to grow, room to make mistakes, and room to keep moving forward. 💙

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