Why is my foster child pushing me away?

In many cases, a foster child pushes away a caregiver as a trauma response or a form of self-protection. Many foster children have experienced multiple placements and have had to relearn how to trust a new family again and again. Children who have experienced loss may carry a fear of abandonment, worried that it could happen again. Pushing a caregiver away can give a child a sense of control: if they reject you first, they reason, you can't hurt them or leave them.

In other cases, children who have experienced abuse or neglect maystruggle to trust adults at all. They may see adults as dangerous, or fear thattrusting someone will only lead to being hurt again. And for some children,getting close to a new caregiver can bring up complicated feelings of loyalty;loving you may feel, to them, like betraying the family they came from. Thatinternal conflict can make it hard to open up, even when they want to.

What do I do?

If your foster child is pushing you away or struggling to open up,try not to take it personally. Step back when you can, and remind yourself thata child's reactions are shaped by their past and their previous experiences,not a reflection of your parenting.

The most powerful thing you can offer is consistency. Show up forthem, again and again, even when it's hard.

• Offer  steady, predictable love and presence. Let them know about schedule changes ahead of time, keep routines consistent, and work to build an environment they can count on.
• Set gentle, trauma-informed boundaries. Avoid harsh punishments, which can trigger a threat response in a child who has experienced trauma. Offer safe choices and calm reassurance instead.

You aren’t alone
As a caregiver, you're still human. It's easy to forget to care for yourself while juggling school routines, work, and a household, especially with a placement whose needs you're still learning. Don't hesitate to lean on your agency, support network, or a trauma-informed therapist.

LifeSpan Family Services is here for our caregivers. We offerongoing support, along with a support group available to any approved LifeSpanfamily.

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